A letter from an anonymous writer.
“Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1
We all go through trials in this life, Jesus promised us in John 16:33 that we would have difficulties in this world but He also promised us He has overcome the world and has given us peace and although its a struggle in the midst of these trials to trust in God’s plan and stay strong in our faith we can find peace in our savior!
For 4 years my husband and I suffered through infertility it was the hardest thing we have ever gone through and it brought us to our knees. It was also the time of my life I felt the closest to the Lord when He brought me to a place of desperate need for Him and a desire for Him far beyond my desire for a child. It was during this time I finally realized that He would be the only thing that would ever completely fulfill my heart. It was a long journey to get to that point and it didn’t come easy.
I will never forget the ups and downs, the hope and heartache every single month, anyone going through infertility knows the pain of this roller coaster far too well. Everywhere you go someone is pregnant, you see cute families, adorable kids, and those babies that seem to stare into your very soul. The knife in your heart when family or friends tell you they are pregnant or you get yet another baby shower invitation. And the “helpful” comments people make, among many my all time favorite….. “just relax it will happen”. While they mean well it is so hard to hear over and over especially coming from people who have never been through infertility.
A year after trying to have a baby and being unsuccessful we underwent fertility tests and were told we would most likely not be able to have a child naturally. I will never forget what that felt like we sat on the couch together and cried. We mourned for the baby that would never be, we cried as our hopes of being parents and the dreams of everything we wanted to do with our child was crushed into a million pieces. The years that followed were a blur of trying everything possible to “fix” the problem, of seeing specialist after specialist, trying a round of IVF and getting no where closer to making our dream come true. I fell into a pit of darkness, I just couldn’t do it anymore I couldn’t read all these promises of God when in my opinion He didn’t care about my situation so how could they be true? How could I believe He cared when He wasn’t giving me my hearts desire, a desire that lined up with His word? How could He let my coworker tell me her daughter was going to have her 3rd abortion knowing how desperately I wanted a baby?
The 3 months that followed were the darkest, worst months of my life and I thank God for my amazing husband who stood by me and prayed for me and never gave up on me! One day God got my attention and I realized I had two choices, go through this with Jesus or without Him either way I was going to go through it. I decided although I didn’t understand why this was happening I wasn’t going through it without my God!! I asked Him for a friend who understood what I was going through because I felt like if I didn’t have 1 person who “got it” to talk to I would lose my mind! God is so merciful and He brought me a friend who was suffering through the same thing and we actually went to the same fertility clinic! It was so wonderful to have her to talk to and be encouraged in my faith and know she totally understood my pain.
We decided to go forward with more IFV, we didn’t really want to ( the process is awful) but we wanted a baby and were willing to do anything. We prayed daily that if it wasn’t Gods will He would close the door and He did, the door was shut and closed tight and I was heart broken again. When we got this news my husband looked at me and said “I think we should adopt.” It wasn’t the first time he had mentioned it but I just wasn’t ready. I wanted to be pregnant, to give birth, I wanted that experience and nothing else was the same to me.
That night I was talking to my friend and she said “have you considered adoption?” And I told her that my husband had mentioned it a couple times but I just wasn’t sure I wanted to do it. She connected me with her friend who had adopted her daughter a year before and I called her the next day. I cannot explain what God did in my heart in the next few days but He brought me to a place of knowing beyond a shadow of doubt that THIS was what we were supposed to do, that this whole journey was leading us to this decision! During those days I gave up my desires to the Lord and surrendered to His desires and His plan for my life and for the first time in years I was at peace. My husband and I felt like a huge load was lifted off of our shoulders we were finally where we were meant to be.
The adoption story was another season of our journey and although it had its difficult moments, during the 11 months of waiting for our precious gift God drew me to Himself. I felt a closeness with Him like never before, I heard His voice like never before, I felt His love wash over me with such a powerful force that it made me sob tears of joy, tears of unbelief how can He love me this much?! I watched Him perform miracles, I saw Him move mountains, I saw His Grace and Mercy pour out over my life, I sat in her room weeks before her birth thanking Him that He never allowed me to get pregnant because THIS was my child and I loved her beyond words. And then I held her and looked into the face of Gods grace and knew that His plan IS always perfect even though it may not feel like it or look like it to us, even though He may choose a different path for us than we would choose for ourselves His plan is absolutely BEST for our lives! When I left the hospital with my precious gift from God I was so overwhelmed by His goodness and faithfulness that I prayed and asked Him to please let me share my story of what He had done in our lives with someone who needed it. Two days later we took her to her first doctor appointment and her nurse was a girl from my Bible study, I had never talked to her but I knew she was going through infertility because she had shared it and asked for prayer. When I saw her I knew it was not an accident she was our nurse, she started asking us questions and God gave us the opportunity to share our story with her and her husband. They went on to adopt their sweet baby girl!
I am so blessed and humbled that the Lord has allowed me to share our story and it is my hearts deepest desire that He uses our story to encourage others struggling through infertility or maybe another difficultly. He is there….. you are never alone and although you may not understand why it’s happening you can trust Him and lean on Him and believe His words. “Weeping may last for the night but a shout of JOY comes in the morning” Psalms 30:5.
There is a verse I always clung to and I hope it encourages all the mommies-to-be who read this…. “He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord!” Psalms 113:9
It’s not “if” you will be a mother but “when”! Believe that and keep seeking His will one day you will share your journey with your children and tell them about the faithfulness of our God!
“If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.” 2 Timothy 2:13
“I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.” Psalms 27:13-14